Another decade has gone by. As far as video games it was more disappointing than the Kim Kardashian sex tape (seriously, that whore barely moves the entire time). There's only been 5 decades of video games, but the 2010's have been bottom of the barrel in my book. Sure software has gotten progressively better as the systems that run it on got more powerful, but that's to be expected right? That's really the natural course of things thanks to technology so there's no patting anyone on the back for not fucking up basic progression. Sex toys have gotten more advanced too, but that doesn't make the orgasms better you know? Fuck it, maybe you puritains don't. Anyway I'm back to offer my perspective for the entire decade.
Now before we get there I'd like to address something. It has been said that I am a negative person. An overly negative one at that. Well, I'm going to prove them wrong. I Dark Robio, am going to show all of you just how positive and wonderful I can be. Before we get to everything that sucked about the past years, here's a quick breakdown of all the wonderful things that have happened in the industry over the past 10 years!
• We saw two games, Minecraft and Fortnight, both hit a mainstream level of success that's just about never seen. Sure, one of them is basically just Legos turned into a video game, and the other is Tinder for pedophiles but you can't argue success!
• Rockstar gave us two incredible games. It took them 10 years to crank out only 2....kind of a giant step backwards from the 2000's...and one of them they fucking milked to death with an online mode to microtransaction your wallet to death....but hey two fun games right!!
• Despite all the predictions from part-time Nostradamus wannabe's, mobile gaming did not in fact take over and ruin gaming.
• Microconsoles were so popular that even Sega figured out how to not fuck it up. We'll just pretend that Sony doesn't exist right now.
• We finally got some video game movies and TV that were good and weren't complete camp thanks to Dectective Pikachu and the Witcher. And mainly because of that orgy scene in the Witcher. Oh yeah and if you can watch Detective Pikachu on shrooms don't pass that shit up. The colors are more amazing than a blowjob from a toothless 25 year old.
• And Nintendo came out with the Switch to successfully combine handheld and console gaming into one device. Now everyone can replay the Wii U games they didn't buy the first time since they seem more focused on porting over old shit than making something new and interesting like Star Tropics 3.
So there we go. Five good things that happened. Look at all that positivity from me. Okay enough of that shit. Tomorrow we get to the good stuff.
Glad to see you back!
What were the two fun games Rockstar gave us?
Whatever.
The LA Noire remaster for PS4. And the LA Noire remaster for the Switch.
Fantastic!
That's fair.
All right let's start this trainwreck of a decade review with Nintendo, the company that more or less took the decade off and answered the question, "what would happen if an entire company acted like a stoner?"
They started 2010 on top of the world with the 2 most dominant pieces of hardware starting to enter their twilight and instead of focusing on good follow ups, I guess they discovered weed. They fucked up the launch of the 3DS with a high price and a not a lot of compelling software. Pilotwings??? When you wait over 15 years in between sequels, and the game isn't Star Tropics, there might not be a line of people waiting to play it. Oh and Steel Diver.... a submarine game. Yep, that's what the kids want.
Around that same time they also managed to completely forget they had the Wii, a console that by that time had sold around 70 million units. Go look at the software they released for it after 2010. I'll wait it won't take long. They pretty much took their system that made them a metric assload of money, and abandoned it in a field where it would become a system used exclusively for old people who like Just Dance never realized Netflix could be viewed on other devices. Honestly, Jeffrey Epstein treated his sex slaves better. He at least kept them around for more then 4 years before tossing them aside to old guys.
And what list of stupid failures from the decade would be complete without mentioning the Wii U? Look, everyone and the mother has bitched about the system and how it was an example of how to do everything wrong so I'm not going to pile on. Even I won't kick a retarded kid who tripped on the playground. Frankly, there's just nothing else funny left to write about it. It was a disaster. Fortunately for them they got their shit together in 2017 with the Switch, but let's face it they had 7 years to prepare after doing nothing so it's a major accomplishment.
Microsoft also deserves a mention because lord know they contributed to a shitfest of a decade. MS started off the decade with the launch of Kinect, the revolutionary motion controller that was largely responsible for crippling the launch of the XBOX One. They forced people to buy it, and in the process made the Playstation 4 look like the deal of the century. I know Nintendo I said that Nintendo took a bunch of time off doing nothing, but I'm not sure Microsoft did too much else. What are the major accomplishments they made their decade aside from abandoning the worthless Kinect and selling 3 dozen consoles in Japan? Well, they bought Minecraft and spread that like Hepititus C. I guess that's something. Oh and they made a ship game that no one really cared about. Probably some Halo games in there too huh? Yeah, it's all very impressive.
Oh before we completely get away from Microsoft let's talk about Peter Molyneux. He finally pissed people off for something even worse than pretending to be French. After a few Fable games not living up to the hype he failed to live up to one last promise with some cube game by not giving a fat kid his prize and the whole Internet turned on him. He now has been arrested and is jailed in Crete where he makes mobile games.
Sony managed to do pretty well in the console space by simply taking advantage of the ineptitude of the other two console makers and not fucking up too much, aside from their making their worthless PSN Plus service a requirement. Still, to their credit they did do their best to kill mobile gaming not once, but twice.
First they partnered with Ericsson and brought us the Xperia Play, a nifty cellphone with a decent gaming controller built in. It wasn't perfect, but a generation or two down the road and they probably could have merged mobile and handheld gaming. So what did they do? They ignored it. They literally did nothing support it post launch so that it wouldn't compete with the Vita.
And what did they do with the Vita? Launched it, supported it for a year with a couple neat games including , and then forgot it existed. Why they insisted on killing two handhelds is a mystery to many, but I have a theory. You see, one of the higher ups has a bit of a fetish for vibrating objects being shoved up his ass. And one day he shoved his Vita up the ole Hershey Highway only to discover.... NO RUMBLE. He probably had to go to the ER for a fairly pain extraction, but with no payoff got pissed and pulled all funding for the handheld. I have no proof, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. Anyway for the 2010's that my impression of Sony. Sony... the absentee father of handheld gaming....with some kind of butt fetish.
So what else happened outside of the big console makers??
We tried out virtual reality again with not entirely awful results. It wasn't exactly a success, but it's established its own niche thanks to Oculus and other PC. Even on PS4VR there's a few diehards who love it, though at the end of the day there's still not tons of units out there. And when you add all the VR units together they're still outsold by a real masterpiece. The Wii Balance Board. Honestly, until the glasses are less obtrusive and it's easier to take them off when you get busted watching porn (the only genuine reason for VR), I still don't think it's going anywhere.
Gamergate happened...essentially a bunch of nerds who don't get laid going out of their way to make it clear to the world that they're a bunch of nerds who don't get laid.
We saw Kickstarter take advantage of people's good nature and give us hyped shitfests like Mighty Number 9 and Shenmu 3 that really could have been funded by an actual company if the creators were halfway interested in making them good. Oh and it also brought us the OUYA. Remember that solid turd? Half-assed mobile games on your TV! Just what the world needed. Kickstarters kicked peoples hopes and dreams and made them more like me.... you know what? Maybe kickstarters weren't a bad thing after all.
And last but not least, eSports became a thing. If that alone isn't a reason to nuke the planet I don't know what is. At the very least, it proves that this decade sucked a dick.
I feel like Sony got off easily. They essentially Steven Bradbury'd this decade.